A few years ago, I lost a few succulents to my own carelessness. (On the day I bought them, I killed them. Succulents. The easiest plants to take care of.) I have since been scared to take care of plants.
I’ve been thinking of you for a long time. Today I had a most peculiar feeling. I bought a small plant and put it in my window, and I sat with it for thirty minutes. I was smiling at first and then I started crying, and I don’t enjoy crying very much anymore so I got my dinner and came back and just sat with it. The most peculiar thing – I was thinking about sitting on a cliffside with you. It’s weird because we’ve never been to a cliffside. I want to take care of myself, but it’s hard. I can blame it on the year, or the planets, or something else, but there is no one to blame, not even me. This is just how the chips fell. Most things in life are done to you, and some you do to yourself; very few just sort of happen, and then you drive yourself crazy finding an explanation – just god, dear god, one mistake – mine or someone else’s. There is no one here but this plant and me, and this peculiar, peculiar feeling. So what do I do now? Maybe we have been to a cliffside before. Maybe we jumped and maybe we swam or maybe we were too scared to actually see down below. But there are so many good things here! I have a family, I have work, I have so much love; the plant and I continue to sit in silence, in this awkward mix of happy, sad, tired, and obvious self-obsession. I am basking in it. I’ve been thinking about you for a long time. I wish you could see this plant I bought today. I have a most peculiar feeling — that you would know how to water it, where it finds the sun, when to re-pot it. You would sit with it and listen to music.